Thursday, December 6, 2007

a conundrum

after watching the final regular episode of The Ultimate Fighter last night, I decided that, in the great tradition of santorum, something needed to be named a "hightower" to indicate having a big mouth, acting tough, and then running like hell when you have an opportunity to come through on your words. Since Richie Hightower, one of the cell masses they included on this season to apparently process food, make idiot frat boy jokes, and occupy space til he was whomped on, had a chance to take a fight against a guy he'd been talking shit about the entire season. Instead, he hemmed, hawed, and toe-shuffled til Dana White told him to GTFO. The coaches actually laughed at him. How humiliating.
Anyhow, because of Hightower's monumental act of jackassery, and this doesn't even count all his slumped over sideways hat wearing, we need to assign his name to something unpalatable. At first I thought the obvious: a vagina should be called a "hightower". Of course, that comes with a serious stumbling block: I like vaginas, and I know many courageous vagina-owners, and am frankly a little sick and annoyed with the equation of female genitals to wussiness, despite how hardwired it is in my stupid head. So that's out. I thought and thought, head bowed, brow furrowed, and came up with ... fainting goats.

At least in my personal lexicon, a fainting goat, or anything indeed that seizes up and flails when an opportunity, even a scary one, presents itself, is now called a "hightower".

So far there's only two terms in the aforementioned lexicon, "hightower" and "decision bitch".

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